I Refuse to say Goodbye
At first this started as me being stubborn and selfish, unable to cope with such an immense loss. I said no way will I say that word, instead I'll say "see you later". I meant this with all my heart but initially it was because the word goodbye is just too hard to think let alone say.
But today, 5 days after you passed, I've added another reason to not use that word.
I've felt you every day, I've seen the messages you send me and I know you're still here. Some moments I tell myself I'm crazy, that it's all just little coincidences that I'm turning into something else to make myself feel better.. but they just keep coming. It's like you're giving me no other choice but to believe. And for that I am so grateful.
Yesterday I posted a picture of the rainbow you sent me, a day earlier than I had even asked for. I knew you sent it early because you knew how much I needed it. As I boarded the plane yesterday I was praying and talking to you, I said "I know it's a lot to ask, you already sent me one yesterday.. But if you could still send me a rainbow while I'm on this flight... I'd be so grateful". Immediately I got angry with myself, I thought..
"Why can't I just appreciate and have faith with what she's already sent? Today is such a hard day, there are so many other people who need to feel her love" so I said, "never mind Kelsi, that's so selfish of me.. Go show everyone who loves you how much you love them."
I felt exhausted, an overwhelming sleepiness (and peacefulness) I don't usually get to feel. Usually I'm exhausted but my eyes and mind won't let me sleep. Not yesterday though, I had to force myself to keep my eyes open so I said, okay I guess I'll sleep.
The day had been perfect, there were already a ton of little signs she had sent me but what happened next was something absolutely incredible. As I closed my eyes I felt something telling me to look outside the window. I looked outside and turned my head left.. which hurt beyond belief as I was in extreme pain but something kept telling me to look out. To my surprise...
There was my rainbow. Our rainbow.
I don't know why I was shocked, it's not like this is her first message.. But I don't think I'll ever not be surprised.
I started tearing up, I rubbed my eyes.. I honestly thought I was seeing things. I grabbed my camera and started recording. Twenty minutes later it was still following along side of us. I just kept recording and taking pictures. I'd briefly stop to look at the video to see if what I was seeing was actually real... it was. I started crying but smiled as well. I said to myself, I'll record this and stay awake for as long as she's showing me this gift.. I don't care how bad I feel or how tired I am, I can't miss this.
Instantly I regretted thinking that, I thought to myself crap! She's going to stop now bc I know she wants me to feel okay and rest. And no joke, minutes after I thought that, after almost 30 minutes of following right alongside my window.. the rainbow disappeared. I smiled and said "okay Kelsi, I'll rest, but please keep these messages coming. I can't wait to share this with everyone who loves you".
And I fell asleep, instantly. (That never happens)
My dearest Kelsi, because of these gifts you send, I know for certain that this isn't goodbye. This is 100% see you later, feel you always.
Breathe easy my dear friend, I'll be actively searching for your messages until we meet again.
ps. I've attached the video I put together of our rainbow from Kelsi below, enjoy!