So I turn inwards… #realtalk
I’m either having a bad lyme flare, unbalanced hormones or I’m honestly not sure what... I just wish I could figure it out.
I wish I could figure out why I can’t seem to control the obsessive thoughts, the debilitating anxiety and the random spells of sadness.
They come out of nowhere... and take every ounce of energy in me to stop them in their tracks. Now, it’s definitely possible to reframe our thoughts and the way we see things, it takes a lot of work.. but it’s possible.
I just wonder if there’ll ever be a day where I don’t have to do this anymore. A day where my brain doesn’t obsessively replay mistakes, insecurities, and everything else that causes this debilitating anxiety.
In the meantime all I can do is be patient.
With my heart
With my mind.
I’ve been through a lot.
And as much as I know this, sometimes I feel like I haven’t really come to terms with just how much I’ve actually been through.
The last 5 years have been torture. Actually more than 5 years. But that’s a different story.
Don’t get me wrong,
There has been so much love and beauty in those 5 years as well... but it doesn’t take away from the fact that the majority of the time has felt like a living hell.
I focus on the positive, I focus on the beauty and the joy in every day.. but sometimes you gotta acknowledge the crappy stuff too. Because if not you just keep suppressing it and eventually.. it boils over to a point that you just can’t keep it in anymore.
At least that’s what it feels like today.
Like I’ve been pushing down the sad/anxious feelings to only focus on the good. To avoid this horrible feeling like the plague.
But just because I avoid it doesn’t mean it magically disappears. It’s still very much there. Just under the surface, boiling.
Which is seemingly okay until it gets to a point where it’s spilling over and I simply can’t control the tears anymore.
They flow out without warning, making me feel like I’m doing everything wrong and am totally out of control.
For someone who’s admittedly a bit of a control freak, that’s one of the worst feelings. Feeling like you have no control over your emotions, mind, thoughts, etc.
It sucks. That’s the truth.
I wish I could end this on a positive note but to be honest I’m still in the thick of it. I’m still drowning, anxiously searching for my life raft.
But maybe that’s the thing I need to realize,
I am my life raft.
The life raft is in me.
So I turn inwards,
bc I’m sure there’s a lesson in all of this.
Maybe the lesson is being okay not being 100% okay. Maybe it’s learning to love and accept myself even when I feel sad. Maybe it’s learning that these feelings aren’t really abnormal at all. Maybe they’re just a part of a bigger process I’m not aware of yet.
So I turn inwards, to focus on listening to my body and my heart... because maybe it’s finally time I love myself unconditionally.
Deep down I have faith this too shall pass.
Deep down I know the future is so bright, filled with immense beauty and joy.
Which is why I keep going and it’s the reason I’ll never give up, ever.
If you relate to any of this, I hope you can see that light too. I hope you know you’re not alone and that this too will definitely pass.
It’s not easy to focus on the positives and have faith for a better tomorrow when you’ve been let down so many times, but it’s worth it.
This blogpost has been a bit scattered and I’m not sure if it even makes sense, but if you follow me on Instagram you know I’ve recently challenged myself to stop letting fear get in the way of sharing my story… so this is one way I’m making that change. (If you want to read more on this check out my last couple posts on @naturallyina)
So as a part of this whole stepping out of fear, I’m challenging myself to show up here more and to stop worrying about every single detail. Not everything has to be perfect.
I’m human, not a robot after all. 😜
As always, thanks for reading! If you ever need anything don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m here 💛