#REALTALK / healing isn’t linear
I woke up this morning feeling like I’ve been drugged. As if someone crushed a handful of Xanax and slipped it into my water. I can barely open my eyes, even as I type this. My head feels heavy, and I hear my body screaming ‘let me rest!!’
To be completely honest, I'm so frustrated. I have so much to do.. including announcing a new raffle giveaway here! (Hopefully I’ll get to that by today!) But I’ve been too overwhelmed and too mentally exhausted to even put my words together lately.
But, even as I feel frustrated and exhausted.. I feel guilt. Extreme guilt. For not being able to do everything all the time. For not being able to push through like I did yesterday. For not feeling strong enough to walk downstairs. And I know this ones going to sound weird... but I feel guilty for even saying all this out loud. I feel guilty for feeling frustrated over symptoms that in comparison are just a fraction of what I once felt every single day.
It’s so weird navigating through this disease. Even while healing. It’s weird because you have this new perspective over life... you appreciate everything more, you value everyone and every moment you have here. So I guess, when you’ve intentionally only focused on the good and really tried to numb out all the bad, it can be hard to be okay with having a bad day. But it can be even harder accepting those bad days and being okay with acknowledging the pain.
I’m not writing this to complain. I’m writing for awareness. I’m sharing because how could I expect anyone to understand what I’m going through if I don’t?
I know it’s just a bad day. I know tomorrow will be better (or at least I hope it will 🙏🏼💛) and this may even pass within the next hour! That’s how this disease works. One minute you feel like you’re dying, the next you’re functional for a few minutes. It’s a viscous cycle that is both beautiful and excruciatingly frustrating. Beautiful because I choose to see those moments of relief as gifts, and I choose to take full advantage of every second they’re around.
Because they aren’t guaranteed, I’ve learned that the hard way.
I’m going to give my body some rest - hopefully I’ll be able to soak up enough energy to get up and out today 💪🙏🏼 but if not I’ll be practicing a ton of self love over here because I need to remember that none of this is my fault. At the end of the day my body is still healing, and there’s no timeline for healing so I’ve gotta remember the only guarantee in all of this is that this process isn’t linear. If you’re feeling defeated or frustrated today I want to encourage you to take a few deep breaths, hold them for as long as you can and slowly release. As you release join me in saying “I am grateful. I am healing. I am strong. I release all guilt and fear. I am healing.”
*I am healing is in their twice because idk about you, but sometimes I need the extra reminder.